As a mother to five daughters, I’ve heard my share of comments about our family size. Most of the comments are demeaning, disguised behind a bit of humor to try to make them acceptable. But nothing disguises the heart of the matter. We’re judged for having “too many.”
Why anyone thinks it’s their problem, is a topic for another soap box.
I’ve grappled with my own heart in trusting God with the size of my family, or more succinctly put, how many kids I will have.
When I was younger, I saw the logic in using birth control. I believed much of the rhetoric and propaganda put forth by the medical community, feminists, and even the church.
The pill is safe and reliable.
Too many pregnancies are a health risk for women.
A woman should have the freedom to have a career and not be burdened with too many children.
It’s too expensive to raise a large family.
Children are a blessing, but only in small doses.
First, let me address my views of the medical community. I am not totally anti-medical establishment. I see good reasons for regular doctor visits, prenatal care, and hospital deliveries. I would be dead and/or my baby would be dead if I had resisted any of these.
However, doctors are humans. They make mistakes, honest mistakes in most cases. They cannot know all aspects of any situation and accurately predict outcomes. It’s not a character defect or a lack of caring. They are just not God. Simple as that.
Therefore, when a course of action is deemed safe by a doctor, even a majority of doctors, that does not make it so for all people. Every action has a reaction, and it differs by degrees for each person.
So, while “the pill” has been marketed as a safe birth control alternative, it causes a reaction. In effect, it contributes to increased risk of some types of cancer, stroke, and heart disease. I, personally, don’t see the sense in taking something for convenience that puts me at greater risk of developing a condition of far greater severity.
How many pregnancies are too many? What is deemed safe or unsafe for most is not universally true for all. Not all women who avoid birth control have large families. In fact, many do not for various reasons. My own parents tell me they did not use birth control between the birth of my brother and I because they wanted more than one child. Yet, they only had us, and we are 10 ½ years apart.
Doctors, while they are highly educated and trained (and I’m glad they are), do not have the ability to accurately predict the future in all cases. There is no such thing as a crystal ball. Only God knows, and I trust his wisdom and decision more than anyone else’s.
With that in mind, as I have passed the medically acceptable number of pregnancies, I work with a doctor, sometimes a team of doctors, who support me and my pregnancy. It sometimes may be against their better medical judgment, but they are supportive, both emotionally and medically, nonetheless.
Now, for everyone’s favorite hot topic. A woman should have a career and not be burdened with a large family. What Bible verse supports that opinion? Proverbs 31, maybe? I think not. Verse 28 says “Her children arise up and call her blessed.” That noun would be plural, not singular, indicating multiple children. Verse 30 says “a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.” The word “feareth” means respects and trusts. It does not mean cowering in terror, as some would have us believe. If she trustfully respects God, then she is submitted to His will for her life, including the size of her family.
I own a network management business, a professional endeavor by anyone’s standards. I am on call for emergencies all day, every day. Computers don’t take holidays, and they break at the most inopportune time. I work one day a week in my clients’ offices, and I remotely support several clients the rest of the time. I like my job, but it is not easy to juggle both a job and a family.
If I closed my business, nothing of lasting value, besides many good friendships, would remain in a year. However, my children are eternal souls that will impact this world for good. There is no other job or career in the world that is as important as that of a mother. William Ross Wallace’s poem, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Is The Hand That Rules The World, is undoubtedly divinely inspired.
To suggest that a woman’s most important mark on the world can only be through a career does not take into account the importance of a mother’s role in the family. Some studies estimate that as many as 70% of young adults leave the church when they leave home. They don’t embrace the faith of their parents. Why? Because their parents, namely their mother, are not modeling faith for them. That’s because she’s not at home! You can’t model anything with any continuity in 2-3 hours a day. It’s not the popular, culturally acceptable viewpoint, but it’s the truth. A mother’s role in the home nurturing her children in the Lord can best be fulfilled by herself. No one else.
“But it costs so much money to raise a child. I have to work.”
Indeed, the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates the average two-parent/two-child family making between $59,200 and $107,400 per year will spend between $12,980 per year per child. They consider housing, food, transportation, clothing, health care, child care and education, and miscellaneous expenses in their computation. Fair enough.
They estimate that 29% of the income goes to housing. The house doesn’t have to change for each additional child. We live in a three-bedroom, two-bath house. It’s a tight fit, but the mortgage is roughly 20% of our income. Add utilities and it comes to about 30%.
Our housing cost would be 30% with or without children.
I also roughly compared our percentages in their other categories against their estimates and came well below most of them, but that’s just us.
Every family is different. You spend what you have. If you have more; you spend more. If you have less; you can find lots of things that are wants and can be tossed with little residual pain.
As we have gone through many financial challenges, we have learned a great deal about what is important and what is not. We have never, however, waivered in our belief that my time and attention of is priceless and of far greater value to our children’s future than a Wii or a private school education.
Besides the tasteless comments about my sex life, I hear a lot about the cost of having so many children. If we think that children are a blessing from God, then why think the entire financial burden of raising them is square on us? We’ve already established that children are expensive. But having a large family doesn’t mean I must be taking advantage of a bunch of social services program. Yes, we qualify for some financial breaks based on our income and family size, but we don’t take advantage of many of them. But if we did, why is that a cause for shame? There are many families who struggle financially for various reasons. The attitude should be one of helpfulness, not stinginess.
I believe that God cares for our needs and provides for them. I can list off the top of my head a dozen situations where I believe God provided supernaturally when we were facing a severe financial crisis. No pot of gold appeared on our doorstep, but rather friends, and sometimes complete strangers, gave us gifts or referrals or grace or help at just the right time. Often no one knew our need. No one, that is, except God.
We have not gone without a meal, though most of our meals are rather simple, but healthy.
We have not gone without a home, though it’s a bit tight and not lavishly decorated.
We have transportation, used vehicles with lots of miles.
We all have a good wardrobe, but not necessarily designer brand.
Matthew 6 has a lot to say about what our attitude toward financial gain should be. Verse 20 tells us to “lay up treasures in heaven.” Verse 21 rightly says that “where our treasure is, there our heart is.”
What do you treasure most? Your children or a new piece of jewelry?
Verses 25 through 34 are the most thought provoking and convicting. The problem is not the things we strive to attain, but rather the attention we pay to them in the first place. Our attention should be on doing the Lord’s will, seeking His kingdom and His righteousness, Then, He takes care of our needs.
If the world treats large families with derision, how does the church act? It’s not much better, in my experience. Church programs are often designed to separate the family by offering lots of programs for adults and children. One church we attended had dozens of home groups to minister to its members. Only a small fraction of the home groups included children, thereby requiring the parents to hire babysitters in order to receive ministry or to minister.
I’ve heard of other churches that ban children from the sermon time. They have elaborate children’s programs setup to entertain them, but offer them little in the way of true faith and biblical teaching.
Women in the church are encouraged to get involved in Bible studies, community outreach, and ministerial support. While they are valid services, a woman can become so wrapped up in them as to forget her most important ministry – her children. By insinuation, the church is telling Christians that family size should be limited in order to effectively minister and to be ministered to. That’s just so wrong.
So, I’ve shot a lot of holes in most people’s theories for why they can’t or shouldn’t have more children. There are more, and everyone probably feels their reason is the most valid. Rationalizing it is not the point. Seeking the Lord’s will is the only alternative, even when it’s not comfortable.
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25.
My take on this is that by preserving my preferences and selfish wants, I stand every chance of losing it all. But if I take a step of faith and adjust my attitude to match Jesus’, then the payback is eternal. This is true in all areas of the Christian life, but even more so in a large family.
Georganne